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Author's Disclaimer: Kool-Aid Man and his faithful sidekick Mr. Potato Head have had many great adventures, excitement, and troubles. In their great journeys, they have accomplished much good for the galaxy, thwarting the plans of many an evil overlord. Along the way they have assembled a fantastic team of heores, the mighty P-Force! We have followed them throughout their many journeys from their first time defeating the evil Onjay Urnbay to their heroic bring-down of the dreaded Lord Pocy Lips. But we have not seen all of their journey. There is much we have yet to see, to feel, to learn of their dramatic trek. We will now witness the unknown conquests, taking place toward the beginning of Kool-Aid Man and Mr. Potato Head's careers. These are the untold tales of Juice Wars ...

Kind of a long time ago, in a neighborhood not so far away......

Untold Tales of Juice Wars - Kool-Aid Man Vs Wolverine! (Yes, you knew it was inevitable.)
       (by Sir Carl [Carl Moore], Lord of Bungville. Is that my shoe?)

(Somewhere in Canada. Kind of awhile back.)

Generic-looking Scientist #1: How's the feed coming along?

Generic-looking Scientist #2: So far so good, Doctor. The subject is responding quite nicely.

Generic Scientist #1: Excellent. Those losers over at Weapon X, or Department K, or H, or whatever will regret ever crossing us..... Department M! Bwahahaha! They will have to face the fury of our dreaded Weapon KAM! How's the Oh-Yeahamantium feed process going?

Generic Scientist #2: Same as it was the last time you asked.... and the time before that...and--

Generic Scientist #1: Very well. I shall go attend to our other project* while you do this. And I think I'll get some cookies from the vending machine. And DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE!

Generic Scientist #2: I know, I know.


(Elsewhere in Canada: The Weapon X Facilities.)

Lab Assistant: Professor, the adamantium feed is complete.

Professor: Excellent. How are his vitals?

Lab Assistant: All life signs are normal. He's completely recovered.

Professor: Perfect. Put him in his holding cell.

You-Know-Who: NNggnh....

Lab Assistant: Sir, he's conscious.... shall I--

Professor: No, that won't be necessary. Just put him in the cell before he fully awakens.

You-Know-Who: Too late, Bub. RARRRGH!

(You-Know-Who punches the lab assistant in the head, knocking him out cold.)

Professor: Oh....crap. Um... guards?!

You-Know Who: There are no guards. It's just you, me--

Professor: And these three other scientists.

Scientist: Wha??

You-Know-Who: RaAaAAaAaaARrGH!

(He rather savagely beats up the other three scientists.)

Professor: Oh, my, look at the time, time to--

You-Know-Who: GrRrr....

Professor: --wet myself.

(Logan wraps his hands around the Professors throat.)

You-Know-Who: Where am I?

Professor: You're at the Weapon X Facilities, silly.

You-Know-Who: Who are you??

Professor: I'm the Professor.

You-Know-Who: What did you do to me? What's in that tank you had my lying in?

Professor: Well, to sum up, we molecularly bonded an indestructable metal called adamantium to your skeleton. Your healing abilities make you one of few people who could survive such a procedure. Plus, we fiddled with your memories. Had you not thrown this little tantrum here, we would have eventually controlled your mind.

You-Know-Who: Why?!

Professor: So you could be a weapon of the Canadian Government. D'UH, Logan.

Logan: Lo-gan. - -Abducted........Ngh. You're the ones who took me.

Professor: Indubitably.

Logan: That's all I wanted to know. RRAAAARRRGGHH!

Professor: Careful, I might just hit THIS button!

(He hits a button on a little remote.)

Logan: Wha? >Snf snf< Rrrrr.

Professor: That's right; security robots. TOLD you there were guards. They will be attacking you shortly. I suggest you deal with them.

(The robots attack, and Logan starts fending them off. The Professor escapes through a rear exit.)


(Logan takes out the remaining robots.)

Logan: Uhgh. They...must....experiment on mutants here. There must be more like me. Have to find them. Free them. Can't have them become living weapons.

(Logan wanders around the room until he finds an important-looking computer console with a large screen.)

Logan: Must have files on the others. (He looks through the files.) There are dozens of them. Better get to work.


(Department M)

Generic Scientist #1: Is he ready?

Generic Scientist #2: Well, the Oh-Yeahamantium feed is complete. He's dang near unbreakable now. And I filled him with Kool-Aid and ice cubes, like you asked.

Generic Scientist #1: Magnificent! The Boss will be very pleased.

Generic Scientist #2: Good for him. I'm getting ready to go home and have some strudel.

Generic Scientist #1: Very well. You are no longer needed here.

Generic Scientist #2: Well good. I'll just be going, leaving you here all alone wih Weapon KAM. If he escapes, you can't blame me for it.

(Generic looking scientist #2 leaves.)

Generic Scientist: He won't escape.

(Generic looking Scientist #1 is tapped on the shoulder and turns around.)

Weapon KAM: Excuse me, what's going on here?

Generic Scientist #1: EEK! You're awake! But how-- Oh, nevermind. How you feeling?

Weapon KAM: A little weird. Mind telling me who you are, who I am, where I am, and all of that?

Generic Scientist #1: Well, you're an experiment of ours. You are to be our weapon.

Weapon KAM: Weapon? Against who?

Generic Scientist #1: Against Department H! They've always been one step ahead of us, they're always the ones people notice. They're the ones with all the money and fancey lab equipment.

Weapon KAM: I dunno, you've got a pretty nice set up going on here.

Generic Scientist #1: Thanks. Well anyway, we've been injecting you with brain-washing chemicals. Which is why you aren't feeling hostile toward me. You need a steady fix of our little mind-serum every day, otherwise it's effects will wear off. We wouldn't want that to happen, now would we? And we also used these chemicals to program a certain order into you.

Weapon KAM: What kind of order?

Generic Scientist: Well, we made you into what you are so that you could fight and eliminate Department H's living weapon. Weapon X, as it were. As soon as you come across this individual, you will know, and you will attack. After that, we can easily to take down their whole operation. Then I'll have proven to them that Department M is superior!

Weapon KAM: Uh-huh, and why don't I remember who I was before I came here?

Generic Scientist: We wiped all of your previous memories clean. A nifty little trick I picked up in Reno.

Weapon KAM: Well it's nice to get all that straightened out. Oh, one more question. Why am I a giant pitcher filled with Kool-Aid, sugar, and ice-cubes?

Generic Scientist: Well, that's a rather interesting story, you see.... Oh, wait. I can't tell you. My Boss told me never to tell anyone why he ordered that.

Weapon KAM: It's okay, you can tell me. We are talking about what you did to ME, after all.

Generic Scientist: Well.....OK. You see, the--AGHGHGL>SPLAT<

(The Scientists head explodes.)

Weapon KAM: Hm, didn't see that one coming. What's this?

(He inspects what's left of the scientist's head matter, and finds remains of a tiny explosive that was wired to a sensor.)

Weapon KAM: Hm, guess his boss REALLY didn't want him telling anyone. Seeing as he rigged his head to explode if he ever tried. Now I'm all alone in the world, got nowhere to stay, no onw to talk to....to tell me where I even am. Hmm. Oh well. I'm gonna go wander around outside.


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